ADULT: Quasi illustrated comic book of life in NOWHERE
tasty!

HUMORWHERE CONTINUED…


NEW MATH!

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger translates through the relationship S (sale) a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element's token value is described by a unity relationship with one dollar. Make 100 dots represent the elements of the set "M"which positively map to the set "C" the linear cost of production where set "C" contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the domain cardinality of the set "P" for profit in a fixed finite model?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at a base purchase price of one dollar and a Fair Market Value $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:

A company out-sources all of its logging operations. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be downsized. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $60 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, wasting 16 executives and a couple of secretaries — and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback for cutting stumpage fees and fudging international trade figures. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Millhaven Federal Prison for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

(hurrah) for HOLLYWOOD!

BASED ON THAT...
If I ever become an Evil Overlord

  1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

  7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be,"No,just sensible."

  8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?". I'll shoot him, and then say "No".

  9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

  10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

  11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I'll do it myself.

  12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

  13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

  14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

  15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word 'mercy'; I simply choose not show them any.

  16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

  17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the forementioned disposal.

  18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

  19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

  20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

  21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

  22. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice!

  23. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know"...

THE SPEECH BILL CLINTON DREAMS OF GIVING...

I let an Intern go down on me...Members of Congress; people of America, I banged her. Banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because Monica never played the flute solo in my libidinal orchestra. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to diddle are Hillary, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're evil and have legs that look like they came off a Bosendorfer 16-foot concert grand. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Webster, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and made pocket pinball the game of choice in the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there was not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was a 10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio president, anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.

Your other choice was Bush, an aging yuppie moron who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan who left office with the same Alzheimer's he came with.

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time, like the idiot savant he is. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way First Class ticket to San Clemente and several decent book deals.

Johnson was an inbred power-mad war criminal. And John Kennedy, who took more than a few shake breaks himself behind closed doors, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic inclination for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to me, and the point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced - first
time since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to notice, mostly because they weren't looking. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And, the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dummy-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell "software" has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where the next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not a dating school, and I've done it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of life you're living, and before you get too interested in which way my dong points, ask yourselves this question...

JUST WHAT WAS IT YOU HIRED ME TO DO?

Life's challenges can seem insurmountable at times. Things appear to be getting harder — and weirder as well!

One seeks inspiration, turning to the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching... But sometimes they're just not enough!

That's when you really need...

The Wisdom of Supermodels



I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW...


READ ALL ABOUT IT...

  1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

  2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

  3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

  4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

  5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

  6. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

  7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

  8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

  9. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

  10. Eye Drops Off Shelf

  11. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

  12. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

  13. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

  14. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

  15. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

  16. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

  17. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

  18. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

  19. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

  20. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

  21. War Dims Hope for Peace

  22. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

  23. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

  24. Deer Kill 17,000

  25. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

  26. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

  27. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  28. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

  29. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

  30. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

  31. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

  32. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

  33. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

  34. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

  35. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

  36. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

  37. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  38. Gators to face Seminoles with Peters Out

  39. Messiah Climaxes in Chorus of Hallelujahs

  40. Clinton places Dickey in Gore's Hands

  41. Starr aghast at First Lady Sex Position

  42. Clinton Stiff on Withdraw

HIGH TECH / LOW COMEDY!

GREAT ENGINEERING MINDS...

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1,000,000(US).
The pen worked well and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

—The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Largely Spherical Chicken
Scientists at NASA also developed a gun, whose purpose is to launch dead chickens! It's used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore, determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."


SPEAKING OF CHICKENS...

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 5 tons of nerve gas on it, which I of course deny doing.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

BILL CLINTON: I did NOT have a relationship with THAT chicken.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

NEIL YOUNG: Walk On / Walk on / Walk on...

WILL SMITH: Doing the chickkky willy whaky cross that mo way walk'n know ways well you go ah ways walk...

JEAN CHRΙTIEN: All I know is dat sometime I have to put on a little pepper for my chicken to make it taste alright.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

KIETH RICHARD: I think it, it, was, I loved the part where, there was one thing there that, well the way he sort of you know I saw that same little look and it was just like that again but I can't recall it now I think.

JAPANESE IMPERIAL EMPEROR: To join me or die.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I am today announcing WINChick '99 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook and download a wonderful selection of eight virtual wallpapers from the Internet.

BEAVIS: Chickens suck!! ahhhhhhh haahaahaa wanna meet chicks...

BOB DYLAN: Because the times they are a changing...

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Oh fowl and heartless bird that stalks the paths we must trace, to cross or not to cross ov'r yonder pike, that is the question.

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

HOMER SIMPSON: Chickeeeeeeeeennn...

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?


YOUR SUPPORT IS URGENTLY NEEDED!

At the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, a student attempted to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons – since it can:

  1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.


Male Software Problem

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

One year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a warm-started environment before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources...


To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here'.
They said "Californee is The place ya oughta be",
So they bought him coke 'n' donuts and he moved to
Silicon Vallee... Intel, that is...Pentium...big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him with a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meet'n and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was going grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire 'till he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, fired that is... "uninstalled", unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch those bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Don't y'all break your back now... ya hear!


HUNGRY?


HISTORIC INSIGHT
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
— Bill Gates, 1981

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
— Ken Olson, president, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

But what ... is it good for?
— Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C" the idea must be feasible.
— A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
— The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
— Thomas Watson,
Chairman of IBM, 1943

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
— Popular Mechanics, 1949

This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
— Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
— David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
— H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
— Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
— Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
— Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you. And they said, "No". So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.
— Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
— 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

  • Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.
    — Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

    Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
    — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

    Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
    — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

    Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
    — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

    The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.
    — Sir John Eric Ericksen, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.


  • TO
    HUMORWHERE

    CENTRAL

    VOYEURISTIC MIRRORBALL of NOWHERE