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NEW MATH!A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger translates through the relationship S (sale) a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element's token value is described by a unity relationship with one dollar. Make 100 dots represent the elements of the set "M"which positively map to the set "C" the linear cost of production where set "C" contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the domain cardinality of the set "P" for profit in a fixed finite model?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at a base purchase price of one dollar and a Fair Market Value $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out-sources all of its logging operations. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be downsized. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $60 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, wasting 16 executives and a couple of secretaries and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback for cutting stumpage fees and fudging international trade figures. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Millhaven Federal Prison for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one!!!
My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.![]() |
Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not a dating school, and I've done it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of life you're living, and before you get too interested in which way my dong points, ask yourselves this question...
One seeks inspiration, turning to the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching... But sometimes they're just not enough! That's when you really need... and my personal favorite... Life's challenges can seem insurmountable at times. Things appear to be getting harder and weirder as well!

The Wisdom of Supermodels
Cindy Crawford
Carole Mallory
Beverly Johnson
Christie Brinkley
Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L.A. and Danger Island)
Paulina Porizkova
Kim Alexis
Jerry Hall
Tyra Banks
Cindy Crawford
Tyra Banks
Gabrielle Reece
Christie Brinkley
Beverly Johnson
Cheryl Tiegs
Christy Turlington
Fabio
Claudia Schiffer
Naomi Campbell
Carol Alt
Christie Brinkley
Cindy Crawford
Paulina Porizkova
Christy Turlington
Tyra Banks
Christy Turlington 
Linda Evangelista
Linda Evangelista
Veronica Webb
Tasha
Kate Moss
Linda EvangelistaI'LL BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW...


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British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 5 tons of nerve gas on it, which I of course deny doing. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? BILL CLINTON: I did NOT have a relationship with THAT chicken. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. NEIL YOUNG: Walk On / Walk on / Walk on... WILL SMITH: Doing the chickkky willy whaky cross that mo way walk'n know ways well you go ah ways walk... JEAN CHRΙTIEN: All I know is dat sometime I have to put on a little pepper for my chicken to make it taste alright. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" KIETH RICHARD: I think it, it, was, I loved the part where, there was one thing there that, well the way he sort of you know I saw that same little look and it was just like that again but I can't recall it now I think. JAPANESE IMPERIAL EMPEROR: To join me or die. SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I am today announcing WINChick '99 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook and download a wonderful selection of eight virtual wallpapers from the Internet. BEAVIS: Chickens suck!! ahhhhhhh haahaahaa wanna meet chicks... BOB DYLAN: Because the times they are a changing... OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Oh fowl and heartless bird that stalks the paths we must trace, to cross or not to cross ov'r yonder pike, that is the question. CHARLES DARWIN: HOMER SIMPSON: Chickeeeeeeeeennn... ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? At the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, a student attempted to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons since it can: He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. On his first day at work, they stuck him with a cube. The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Months turned to years and his hair was going grey. Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. But what ... is it good for? The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C" the idea must be feasible. I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you. And they said, "No". So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet. Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.SPEAKING OF CHICKENS...
I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.YOUR SUPPORT IS URGENTLY NEEDED!
Male Software Problem
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
One year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a warm-started environment before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources...
To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here'.
They said "Californee is The place ya oughta be",
So they bought him coke 'n' donuts and he moved to
Silicon Vallee... Intel, that is...Pentium...big amusement park...
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meet'n and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire 'till he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, fired that is... "uninstalled", unemployed...
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch those bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Don't y'all break your back now... ya hear!
HUNGRY?
Bill Gates, 1981
Ken Olson, president, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
Thomas Watson,
Chairman of IBM, 1943
Popular Mechanics, 1949
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
Sir John Eric Ericksen, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
TO
HUMORWHERE
CENTRAL