God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

How did you find out about your Deity?
Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Book of Mormon
Koran
Divine inspiration
Dead Sea scrolls
My mama done tol' me
Near-death experience
Near-life experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning shrubbery
Other (please explain):
Which model Deity did you acquire?
Yahweh
Allah
Krishna
Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes
No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms,Linda Tripp,Alan Rock)
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Plays dice with the universe
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
Indoctrinated by parents
Indoctrinated by society
Needed a reason to live
Needed focus on whom to despise
Needed a day away from work
Needed to feel morally superior
Graduated from the tooth fairy
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
Void Phobia
Wanted to piss off parents
Like organ music
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false god were you fooled?
Please check all that apply.
Mick Jagger
Bill Gates
Baal
Beelzebub
Ra
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Almighty Dollar
Left-wing liberalism
Right-wing radicalism
Elvis
Cindy Crawford
Godless Communism
Chocolate
Holy Oak
Burning shrubbery
Higher Education
Princess of Darkness
Devil (Satan)
Devil (Tasmanian)
The Force
Other:
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
Tarot
Astrology
Palmistry
Tea leaves
Dianetics
Fortune cookies
Psychic Friends Network
Self-help books/Self awareness
Sex
Drugs
Rock
Roll
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Bill Clinton
Jimmy Swaggert
CompuServe
Watch TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL on TV
Burning vegetation
Other:
God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
(check one).
More divine intervention
Less divine intervention
Current level of divine intervention is just right
Don't know
What's divine intervention?
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the following
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster
Flood
Famine
Earthquake
War
Pestilence
Plague
AOL
Republican Congress
Jerry Lewis
Miracles
Spontaneous remissions
Crying statues
Water changing to wine
Walking on water
VCRs that set their own clocks
Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
God's Courtesy
Are your spiritual needs being met?
The world going to Hell in a hand basket.
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

PLEASE PRESS THE BUTTON
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31, 2001 you will be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing...