ADULT: Consultant? Consultant!, We don't need no STINKING consultants...!

CONSULTANTWHERE...

You want it WHEN?!

Creative thinking is welcome — as long as nothing new is proposed.
Risk-taking is encourage — as long as it doesn’t create problems.
Constructive criticism is always welcome — as long as it's consistent with the management view.
Facts exist to support management thinking — facts which are not consistent with these opinions are not facts.
Employee input to the decision process is welcome — particularly at the end of the process.
Employees will be given an opportunity to rework their opinions — so the correct result is obtained.
Years of knowledge and experience should not take precedence to the unsubstantiated claims, simplistic promises and appealing presentations of outside consultants and vendors.
Functionaries should never be allowed direct contact with the managers to avoid the embarrassment of having them know what's actually going on.
Management retreats, seminars and reward parties shall be know as "team building events” — similar events for workers are known as "boon-doggles".
Team building is always encouraged — by punishing the whole group regularly.
A consistent track-record of cost-overruns and missed deadlines should not deter a policy of out-sourcing; nor should it have any relevance to repeated performances by a succession of new, naļve user-community players.
As business is inundated with servers and distributed information architecture, the economies of running multiple applications on a single central processor will be “discovered” by management.

SURE SIGNS YOU'RE TAKING IT ALL TOO SERIOUSLY...

You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
You decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."
You refer to dating as test marketing.
You can spell "paradigm."
You actually know what a paradigm is.
You understand your airline's fare structure.
You write executive summaries on your love letters.
Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don't know.
You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."
You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
You give constructive feedback to your dog.

IQ test for professionals.

The rest of you can take this too!!!

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

This question tests whether or not you
do simple things in a complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door.

This question tests your prudence
and practicality.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside.

This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.

If you did not answer correctly the first three questions,
this next question is your last chance to show your
qualification to be a professional.

There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it?

Correct answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).

Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most pre-schoolers got it correct, thus disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old

TIPS FOR CREATING A GOOD WORKPLACE IMPRESSION...

Page yourself over the office intercom (don't disguise your voice).

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does (this is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender).

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the can."

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be flamenova_goddess_of_fire@abc.ca'

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask: do you want fries with that?

Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts,etc.,in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that!"

Put decaf coffee in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's wipers running during all weather conditions to "keep 'em tuned up."

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think!"

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers,then cc them to your boss.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

Stomp plastic ketchup packets.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Honk and wave at strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lower case.

Look off into the distance while someone is talking to you and interrupt them every 15 seconds while saying "What? ...Never mind. It's gone now."

Schedule all your meetings in GMT instead of local time.

Keep your phone at the back of the bottom drawer of your desk. Every time it rings; search your desk all the while saying 'there's that ringing sound again' before answering it.

Phone people and ask them who they are and why you are calling them.

Go to a poetry recital and keep asking why don't the poems rhyme?

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the "mood".

And, the final way to annoy people: send this page URL to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them shit like this.
The 10 Commandments of Email
- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
- Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
- When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And,
here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail...
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.