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HUMORWHERE!
- New Children's BOOK CLUB?
- Pick out a TOASTER?
- Doctor give me the news!
- Innovative Employment Equity.
- Work force cuts?
- Questions from Hell!
- More Mensa Minds NOT!
- Literature Lessions
- The label said...?
- Rιsumι Hints.
- Validate your warrantee here!
- TO THE FLIP SIDE
Children's Books...
That Might Not Make It...
- You Are Different and That's Bad
- The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
- Dad's New Wife Robert
- Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
- Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
- Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- All Cats Go to Hell
- The Little Sissy Boy Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly
- That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
- Grandpa Gets a Casket
- The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
- Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
- The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
- You Were an Accident
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
- The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
- Your Nightmares Are Real
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
- Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
- Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
- If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
- If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
- If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
- If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
- If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
- If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
- If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
- Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
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If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
- If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
- If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
- If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
- If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
- If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
- If Sony made toasters...
It would be ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast and can be conveniently attached to your belt.
- If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
- If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
- If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
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If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
- If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
- If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier!
CHECK YOUR MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE:
- Artery - The Study of paintings
- Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
- Barium - What you do when CPR fails
- Benign - What you be after you be eight
- Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
- Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome
- Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
- Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
- Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse
- Colic - A Sheep Dog
- Coma - A punctuation mark
- Congenital - Friendly
- D&C - Where Washington is located
- Dilate - To live long
- Enema - Not a friend
- GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers
- Grippe - A Suitcase
- Hangnail - A coat hook
- Impotent - Distinguished, well known
- Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
- Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
- Morbid - A higher offer
- Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
- Node - Was aware of
- Outpatient - A person who has fainted
- Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis
- Post-operative - A letter carrier
- Protein - In favor of young people
- Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done
- Rectum - Darn near killed him
- Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling
- Secretion - Hiding anything
- Seizure - A Roman emperor
- Tablet - A small table
- Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport
- Tibia - North African country
- Tumor - An extra pair
- Urine - Opposite of you're out
- Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
EMPLOYMENT EQUITY Malaysian Style!
Nik Abdul Aziz, Chief Minister of the Malaysian State of Kelantan, during a lecture to government employees in October 1997: "There are far too many pretty women in the government offices at the moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency with their pert and yielding tightness. We must be ever watchful for possible immoral activities, and it is well known that pretty women cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity, blindness, sickness and bends.That is why from now on thorough ugliness must be considered a deciding factor at all job interviews. Since the prettier candidate has already been blessed by God it is only right that we should hire the uglier one. After all if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who will?"
Decisions, decisions, decisions: Who to Lay Off
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither. Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said: "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
FIVE GREAT QUESTIONS OF MARRIED LIFE...
- What are you thinking?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she is prettier than me?
- What would you do if I died?
For example:
- What are you thinking?
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
- Baseball
- Football
- How fat you are
- How much prettier she is than you
- How you would spend the insurance money if she died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children fame who was asked it by his wife replied:"If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking"
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
- "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,"Yes" For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,"Yes, dear".
Wrong answers include:
- I suppose so.
- Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
- That depends on what you mean by "love".
- Does it matter?
- I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
- "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,"No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
- I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
- Compared to what?
- A little extra weight looks good on you.
- I've seen fatter.
- Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
- "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."Wrong answers include:
- Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
- I don't know how one goes about rating such things
- Yes, but I bet you have a better personality
- Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner
- I sorry what did you say
I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died
- What would you do if I died?" Correct answer:"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first crack crazed taxi driver that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Mensa Members: You may recall some previous Darwin Award winners:
The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on.
Darwin Awards are by definition, granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
The nominees were:
[Washington State] Two Metallica Concert gate crashers attempted to scale the 9 foot perimeter fence using their pickup truck for a leg up after first consuming about 14 beer. The first unlucky lad over the barrier found a 30 foot drop on the other side. He was however fortunate to only break his arm and become entangled by his shorts in tree about half way down. Not wanting to be found, he used his knife to cut off his clothes allowing himself to fall the remaining distance breaking his leg and having the knife embed itself three inches into his body and a holly branch penetrate his rectum. He qualified for the award when his friend who had also been drinking attempted to pull him up using a rope attached to the pickup truck but mistakenly backed the truck up and through the fence landing right on top of his hapless friend.
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
[Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, "Honer said." It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
STUPIDITY MARCHES ON
[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Talk about expensive snacks:[Alaska] The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000 US. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
[California]: A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.
[Germany] Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through the broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
[Iraq] Terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.
More "intelligence-challenged people"
Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I.Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he:
1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and
2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:
* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
* Same thing up here in MI...
Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head,and he died of a fractured skull.
* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Rollo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit -- Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
* Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
* San Francisco, a 49-year-old stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands as shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* Lompoc, CA, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death resulted when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* Dahlonega, GA, According to police in ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
* Selbyville, Del, Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
* Windsor, Ontario, according to police in Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
* Ozark, Ark, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
* Guthrie, Okla, Jason Heck tried to kill millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
* Elyria, Ohio, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
* Andover Township, NJ, Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
* Betulia, Colombia Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In , an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."
* Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
* Taos, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
* La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".
* A 27 year old woman from France lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. She was distracted by her Tamagotchi which hung on the car key and had begin to beep for food. Wanting to save the Tamagotchi's life the French woman ignored the road and killed herself.
* Apparently, in Brazil, 3 people were flying in a plane at low altitude, when another plane approached. For a lark, they decided to "moon" the other plane. Somehow, in the execution of this maneuver, they lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead with their pants around their ankles.
* A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found this man facedown on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was and still is dead) the police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would put his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders without the sand paper. According to the story, after he had his orgasm the, ahem, discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him.
* TICOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought any bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
* BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.
The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."
* Paderborn, Germany -- Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
- Artery - The Study of paintings
- On a blanket from Taiwan NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
- On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
- On a Taiwanese shampoo USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
- On a New Zealand insect spray THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
- In a US guide to setting up a new computer TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
- On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
- In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
- On a packet of Sunmaid raisins WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
- On a Sears hairdryer DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
- On a bag of Fritos YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
- On a bar of Dial soap DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
- On a Korean kitchen knife WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
- On a Japanese food processor NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
- On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
- On a Swedish chainsaw DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
- On a child's superman costume WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
- On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
- On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD.
- On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
- On BOOT'S "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
- On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
- My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
- Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
- Personal: Married 1992 Chevrolet.
- I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
- I am a rabid typist.
- Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.
- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
- Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
- Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
- I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
- References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.
- Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
- Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate --especially when the task is unpleasant.
- I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
- Qualifications: No education or experience.
- Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
- Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!
- Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
TOASTERS He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck
Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access ftp.quid55328.com/akk/ch1@ung but gets C:quidaakk/ch1@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr.on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.(Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES DIVISION: INPORTANT! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 DAYS of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Mr. Mrs. Ms. Miss Lt. Gen. Comrade Classified Other
First Name: ____________Initial:____ Last Name:_________ Code Name_______
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Retired / Fired / Student 13. Finally, to help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please circle the interests and activities in which you and your spouse and/or mistress enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You _________Your Spouse_________ Mistress _________ Golf Boating/sailing Sabotage Running/jogging Propaganda/disinformation Destabilization/overthrow governments Default on loans Gardening Crafts Black market/smuggling Crazed right-wing militia Bomb design Random bombing Collectibles/collections Watching sports on TV Wine/wine making Interrogation/torture Household pets Crushing rebellions Annihilation of endangered species Espionage/reconnaissance Bomb tests Fashion clothing Border disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell-Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:TRUTH IN LABELING...
ANALOGIES YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND IN GREAT LITERATURE:
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume?
Some actual examples-
Latitude_____ Longitude_____ Altitude______
occupation
McDONNELL-DOUGLAS CORPORATION
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Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800 St. Louis
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